Breakup

Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not. To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.
If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.

Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.
Devastation after a breakup (even if initiated by you) is normal. Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.
After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings. Grieving causes confusion and disorganization.The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion.
Anger

After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not.

Guilt

Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.

There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive.

Searching

After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.

It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do something but don’t connect.

You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.



References

^ Lee, L. - Sequences in Separation: A Framework for Investigating Endings of the Personal (Romantic) Relationship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1984, Vol. 1, No. 1, pp 49-73. DOI: 10.1177/0265407584011004

^ Vaughan, Diane (1986). Uncoupling - Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Oxford University Press. ISBN 0-679-73002-8.

^ Elliott, Susan J. - [1] Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You, 2009 Da Capo Lifelong Books

^ Raphael, Beverley, The Anatomy of Bereavement, Basic Books 1983

^ Fetto, John (2003) - Love Stinks: Statistics on Failed Relationships. BNet: Business Network Retrieved January 25, 2008

^ Helgoe, Laurie A. (2006). The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Breaking Up. New York, NY: Penguin Group. ISBN 978-1592575701.